Cheques or Checks?

At some point between November and March, I lost my checkbook. This didn't seem like the end of the world as I use approximately 20 checks every 5 years...at most.

However, when a doctor told me she only took cash or check, I was dumbfounded. Who doesn't accept credit card? Regardless, I was out of luck. I don't carry around cash or checks. I am a the definition mugger's least favorite person. If someone mugged me, they wouldn't get a single valuable thing from my wallet.

Just to prove my point, here are the items in my wallet:

1. My Driver's License
2. 1 Credit Card, 1 Debit Card
3. My Health Insurance Card
4. 1 penny that is stuck in the corner of the zippered pouch
5. Expired Coupons
6. Loyalty Member Cards - Panera, Rite Aid, Safeway, Lakeshore Learning Center
7. Gift Cards with less than $5 on them
8. My Red Cross Blood Donations Card
9. A receipt

Yep...that's it. By mugging me, the mugger would get exactly $0.01 IF they took the time to get the penny out.  Combine that with the fact that when threatened, I tend to kick, and I have a mean round-house. (Thank you years of karate.) Mugging me isn't a very lucrative or wise plan.


Since I rarely carry cash, I knew I needed to order checks from the bank to pay for the doctor. Plus, I figured it's always good to at least have access to a check book.

To get checks, I needed to go to the bank. Easy enough, I drove to the bank, and entered.

Teller:       Hello, how may I help you.
Me:          Hi, I would like to order checks.
Teller:      How many would you like?
Me:          I don't know. Maybe 50 checks?
Teller:      And how will you be paying for them?
Me:        (Sarcastically) Can I write you a check?
Teller:     No, the check company only takes cash or credit card.
Me:          Ha - oh, you're not kidding. You're telling me the company that makes CHECKS doesn't accept CHECKS? 
Teller:    No, they take too long to process.
Me:       I feel as though that may be foretelling of the future of checks.
Teller:    -silence- Credit card or cash?
Me:       Credit card.
Teller:    You will receive your checks in the mail in 2 - 4 weeks.


Ok, cut to 3 weeks later. The mail arrives and I open a small package. Inside are my checks, finally. However, it seemed like they sent me more than 50 checks. No, this was much more than 50 checks. They sent me 10 checkbooks and EACH one had 50 CHECKS. I was now the proud owner of 500 checks. 


500 checks?! What in the world am I going to do with that many checks? At the rate I'm going, those checks will last me until I'm 150 years old. (This is correct, I did the math. Every 5 years I will use 20 checks, so 20/5 = 4 checks per year, 500 checks / 4 checks per year = 125 years worth of checks. 25 years old + 125 years worth of checks = 150 years old. MATH IS WONDERFUL.) 


I called the bank to clarify my new possession of 1 and a half lifetime supplies of checks. They informed me something went wrong with my order, so they just sent me the STANDARD NUMBER OF CHECKS that they send to people AND they expect I would need to reorder in 5 years. Which leads me to my next question, WHO IS USING 100 CHECKS PER YEAR in this day and age?

500 checks is only supposed to last me 5 years? 20 checks lasts me 5 years. That gives me a 480 check surplus. I am at a loss. Part of me wants to write VOID on those 480 checks and then make 480 tiny paper airplanes.


The main problem with that plan is I only know the first three steps of making paper airplanes. I first learned these steps when I was in second grade. It was after school, but for some reason some of us second-graders sat in the cafeteria watching as a teacher taught us the steps to making paper airplanes. I am positive this teacher immediately regretted her decision as once some of the students learned to make these airplanes, any scrap of paper was commandeered to be artfully folded into something resembling an airplane. Afterwards, these airplanes flew threw the school causing quite a ruckus.


To show us how to make a paper airplane, we were to follow along with the teacher.  First, she took two corners of the paper and folded them to the middle of the page. Easy peasy.


Step two, she folded the paper in half. Got it. Step three: she folded down the beginning of the wings. Step four -


I don't know step four because after step three, my paper slightly resembled an airplane and I thought, "I HAVE AN AIRPLANE! THIS IS THE COOLEST DAY EVER!" With that thought racing through my mind, I jumped out of my seat to send my airplane soaring through the sky. 


I ran, holding my airplane up, then released it. My airplane promptly nose dived towards the floor. But, at 7 years old, that was good enough for me.


Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps checks should be shredded considering they do include your bank account number, routing number, address - y'know, all that stuff that would be on a hacker's Christmas/Chanukah/Eid  list.

So no tiny paper airplanes then.  Lame.

I guess I am stuck with these checks.