I have a tendency to change song lyrics. I don't mean to do it at first, but once I start, I end up modifying the whole song, giving it new lyrics which match a theme. Years ago, when Beyonce released "All the Single Ladies" somehow my brain though, "this would be an excellent song about PUPPIES!"
Without further ado, I give you All the Single Puppies, a parody of All the Single Ladies.
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies,
Now put your paws up!
Up in the park, running 'round, doing my own puppy thing,
Decided to sniff, now you wanna flip, cause another puppy noticed me.
He's licking me, I'm licking him, don't pay it any attention,
Just ate some snacks, yum, yum snacks,
Don't you bark at me.
Cause if you liked me, then you should've given a treat to me,
If you liked me, then should've given a treat to me,
Don't be mad when you see that puppy likes me,
If you liked me, then should've given a treat to me.
I got a collar on my neck, a nice shiny tag,
and I'm rocking a matching leash,
I need no permission, did I mention,
Don't pay him any attention,
Cause you had you turn,
And now your gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me. (Bow wow)
Cause if you liked me, then you should've given a treat to me,
If you liked me, then should've given a treat to me,
Don't be mad when you see that puppy likes me,
If you liked me, then should've given a treat to me.
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies, (all the single puppies)
All the single puppies,
Now put your paws up.
As you may have surmised, I have a lot to say about a lot of things. In my opinion, most of the things I have to say are both interesting and comical. This makes me the PERFECT candidate to host a talk show.
MANY, MANY, MANY, many, many, many, MANY, MANY talk shows fail due to low viewership. Why doesn't anyone watch? Because they aren't interesting. Sure, they may be good for the first few days, maybe even weeks, but after a while the host runs out of things to talk about. For me, this isn't the case.
Talk shows aren't just about one person talking to the camera the entire time. No, talk shows require multiple people talking. Who else would be on the talk show? Ms. Diver.
Together, we would make a FANTASTIC talk show.
What proof do I have of this, you ask? Well, the other day as we were lunching, that's right, lunch is not only a noun, but also a verb. I love that fact because I love to lunch. "Shall we lunch?" is one of my favorite things to ask. It is best asked with a British accent such like that of Dame Maggie Smith portraying Dowager Countess Grantham on Downton Abbey. Oh, don't even get me started on how much I ADORE Downton Abbey. LOVE IT! Dame Maggie Smith as Dowager Countess Grantham and her one liners that deliver wisdom with a ZING! Too good.
I mean, just read that quote. "Vulgatiy is no substitute for wit." That is so true. Rappers and singers can put all the cuss words they want in a song and that doesn't make me think, "Wow, how original and inspiring." But when they make a clever play on words or one that you makes you think, that's a good song.
A great example of this is Childish Gambino and their song, Freaks and Geeks. I'm not going to link to it due to its explicit nature which is a shame. I really wish they didn't drop so many f-bombs and n-words because it takes focus away from their absolutely brilliant lyrics. I was floored with their line "took the G out from your waffle, all you got left is your ego." How brilliant is that? Seriously, that is awesome. So much so, I need to break this down to truly appreciate this word play. "Took the G out from your waffle" - alright, so waffle means running your mouth without really saying anything, just babbling on and everyone knows what being a G is. (Mom, it stands for gangsta or gangster, think Al Capone.) But the BEST part of this is the play on the brand, Eggo Waffles. If you remove a 'g' from Eggo, you're left with the word 'ego'.
I mean, really, it doesn't get much better than that.
BUT back to the point, Ms. Diver, Ms. Hamilton, and I were lunching the other day. Ms. Diver looks at me and says, "I'm going to try this. I'm just going to throw this out there and you join when you can."
With that, she begins to sing, "Come and - "
Two words. Two words was all I needed to know where this was going. And so I joined in as we sang the chorus of the following:
Ms. Hamilton perplexed by our singing asked, "Is this a thing that you two do? Have you both done this before?"
Ms Diver responded, "No, but I had a feeling though it would work."
In addition to the chorus of the fantastic Gullah Gullah Island Theme Song, I continued singing the verse, "Just put your foot in your hand, that means hurry up, don't miss the good things that we've planned." Apparently, I was the only one of the three of us that remembered that portion of the song. But that was okay as I was then joined by Ms. Diver as we completed the melody with, "so come and let's play together in the bright, sunny weather, let's all go to Gullah, Gullah Island, Gullah, Gullah Island, Gullah Gullah Island."
In case you were wondering, Gullah Gullah Island was a show on Nick Jr. when Ms. Diver, Ms. Hamilton, and I were kids. I also just learned it was the first show designed for children that featured a black family, which is awesome. I think the most interesting thing about that fact is that as a child, I never thought "Oh wow! A black family!" Instead, when once I learned to read and saw that they all had the same last name, I thought, "They're a family in real life? A real family who sings on a TV show? Can my whole family be on a singing TV show?" But no, to this date, my family had not been on a singing TV show. Sad.
So why am I telling you about this? Well after the grand finale of our impromptu duet, Ms. Diver mentioned, "you should write about us on your blog." And although that may have been said in jest, I followed through.
I think Ms. Diver and I would have a wonderful talk show. Ms. Hamilton, whom (it is whom, right? Because you know HER and when it's him/her, you use whom and if it's she/he, you use who. Back me up on this or correct me because I'm not sure.) most of you know as the JV field hockey and lacrosse coach would be fantastic on the show. She would be the person who would just shake her head at Ms. Diver's and my antics. To be fair, they are pretty incredible antics.
Our show might not be syndicated world-wide, country-wide, or even state-wide. However, I think it would be a great thing. Perhaps, I should start an online petition or kickstarter to call for the need for us to host a talk show.
And how do I know we'd never run out of things to talk about? Because Ms. Diver does incredible things like going to see Cher, having Semis perform at Carnegie Hall, travel the world. And I do things like go white water rafting, kayaking, hiking, dog related activities, rescue animals in bizarre scenarios, y'know, the usual. Since we do such different things, the discussion topics are endless.
Oh, how I desperately want this to become a thing.
At some point between November and March, I lost my checkbook. This didn't seem like the end of the world as I use approximately 20 checks every 5 years...at most.
However, when a doctor told me she only took cash or check, I was dumbfounded. Who doesn't accept credit card? Regardless, I was out of luck. I don't carry around cash or checks. I am a the definition mugger's least favorite person. If someone mugged me, they wouldn't get a single valuable thing from my wallet.
Just to prove my point, here are the items in my wallet:
My Driver's License
1 Credit Card, 1 Debit Card
My Health Insurance Card
1 penny that is stuck in the corner of the zippered pouch
Expired Coupons
Loyalty Member Cards - Panera, Rite Aid, Safeway, Lakeshore Learning Center
Gift Cards with less than $5 on them
My Red Cross Blood Donations Card
A receipt
Yep...that's it. By mugging me, the mugger would get exactly $0.01 IF they took the time to get the penny out. Combine that with the fact that when threatened, I tend to kick, and I have a mean round-house. (Thank you years of karate.) Mugging me isn't a very lucrative or wise plan.
Since I rarely carry cash, I knew I needed to order checks from the bank to pay for the doctor. Plus, I figured it's always good to at least have access to a check book.
To get checks, I needed to go to the bank. Easy enough, I drove to the bank, and entered.
Teller: Hello, how may I help you.
Me: Hi, I would like to order checks.
Teller: How many would you like?
Me: I don't know. Maybe 50 checks?
Teller: And how will you be paying for them?
Me: (Sarcastically) Can I write you a check?
Teller: No, the check company only takes cash or credit card.
Me: Ha - oh, you're not kidding. You're telling me the company that makes CHECKS doesn't accept CHECKS?
Teller: No, they take too long to process.
Me: I feel as though that may be foretelling of the future of checks.
Teller: -silence- Credit card or cash?
Me: Credit card.
Teller: You will receive your checks in the mail in 2 - 4 weeks.
Ok, cut to 3 weeks later. The mail arrives and I open a small package. Inside are my checks, finally. However, it seemed like they sent me more than 50 checks. No, this was much more than 50 checks. They sent me 10 checkbooks and EACH one had 50 CHECKS. I was now the proud owner of 500 checks.
500 checks?! What in the world am I going to do with that many checks? At the rate I'm going, those checks will last me until I'm 150 years old. (This is correct, I did the math. Every 5 years I will use 20 checks, so 20/5 = 4 checks per year, 500 checks / 4 checks per year = 125 years worth of checks. 25 years old + 125 years worth of checks = 150 years old. MATH IS WONDERFUL.)
I called the bank to clarify my new possession of 1 and a half lifetime supplies of checks. They informed me something went wrong with my order, so they just sent me the STANDARD NUMBER OF CHECKS that they send to people AND they expect I would need to reorder in 5 years. Which leads me to my next question, WHO IS USING 100 CHECKS PER YEAR in this day and age?
500 checks is only supposed to last me 5 years? 20 checks lasts me 5 years. That gives me a 480 check surplus. I am at a loss. Part of me wants to write VOID on those 480 checks and then make 480 tiny paper airplanes.
The main problem with that plan is I only know the first three steps of making paper airplanes. I first learned these steps when I was in second grade. It was after school, but for some reason some of us second-graders sat in the cafeteria watching as a teacher taught us the steps to making paper airplanes. I am positive this teacher immediately regretted her decision as once some of the students learned to make these airplanes, any scrap of paper was commandeered to be artfully folded into something resembling an airplane. Afterwards, these airplanes flew threw the school causing quite a ruckus.
To show us how to make a paper airplane, we were to follow along with the teacher. First, she took two corners of the paper and folded them to the middle of the page. Easy peasy.
Step two, she folded the paper in half. Got it. Step three: she folded down the beginning of the wings. Step four -
I don't know step four because after step three, my paper slightly resembled an airplane and I thought, "I HAVE AN AIRPLANE! THIS IS THE COOLEST DAY EVER!" With that thought racing through my mind, I jumped out of my seat to send my airplane soaring through the sky.
I ran, holding my airplane up, then released it. My airplane promptly nose dived towards the floor. But, at 7 years old, that was good enough for me.
Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps checks should be shredded considering they do include your bank account number, routing number, address - y'know, all that stuff that would be on a hacker's Christmas/Chanukah/Eid list.
