1. The Phrase: Giving someone an ultimatum
What I Heard: Giving someone an OLD TOMATO
Gross.
My Interpretation: Here's the scenario: you're starving. That is, dying from hunger, which is the very definition of starving. I hand you an old tomato, an old moldy tomato, covered in flies. Now you have two choices:
Option 1 - Eat the tomato, get sick from the mold, contract a food-born illness and die.
Option 2 - Starve to death. Both ways you die. You are left with a really tough decision that you don't want to make.
I am proud of my six year old self for coming up with that reasoning. It's logical and actually resembles the real meaning.
I like my saying much better, so when it is appropriate to say "give someone an ultimatum" I say, "well I guess you have to give them an -" I pause every time for a matter of seconds. In these seconds, an internal battle wages in my head. Should I use the proper term or my term? If I use my term, I will have to explain it. BUT I like my term better.
The solution? I mumble "old tomato" which sounds just like ultimatum. Since the person is expecting to hear the word "ultimatum", they assume that is what I said. Even though, I know and know you know that I am in fact suggesting they hand the person an old, rotten, moldy, fly-covered tomato.
I think the phrase SHOULD BE "give someone an old tomato." It makes sense.
2. The Phrase: Taking someone for granted
Option 1 - Eat the tomato, get sick from the mold, contract a food-born illness and die.
Option 2 - Starve to death. Both ways you die. You are left with a really tough decision that you don't want to make.
I am proud of my six year old self for coming up with that reasoning. It's logical and actually resembles the real meaning.
I like my saying much better, so when it is appropriate to say "give someone an ultimatum" I say, "well I guess you have to give them an -" I pause every time for a matter of seconds. In these seconds, an internal battle wages in my head. Should I use the proper term or my term? If I use my term, I will have to explain it. BUT I like my term better.
The solution? I mumble "old tomato" which sounds just like ultimatum. Since the person is expecting to hear the word "ultimatum", they assume that is what I said. Even though, I know and know you know that I am in fact suggesting they hand the person an old, rotten, moldy, fly-covered tomato.
I think the phrase SHOULD BE "give someone an old tomato." It makes sense.
2. The Phrase: Taking someone for granted
Meaning: Not appreciating someone
What I Heard: Taking someone for GRANITE (a type of rock)
My Interpretation: This one never made sense to me. I spent the first 14 years of my life befuddled by this phrase. I KNEW granite was a type of rock. What type of people were made out of rocks? Why would I ever think someone was a rock?
I remember my dad using this phrase when my sisters and I were acting selfishly, not appreciating my mom. My dad would tell announce, "Stop taking your mother for granted." Of course, I heard, "Stop taking your mother for granite."
From my dad's tone, I always knew this was a bad thing. But WHY?
10 Year Old Me Thoughts: I'm NOT taking mom for granite. Mom isn't made of granite. I know that. Why would I even think she was made of rocks? I'm not taking her to the store to buy granite. Why does Dad think I am confused about what Mom is made out of? That is a silly phrase.
3. The Phrase: Might as well
Meaning: There isn't any reason for you not do to it
What I Heard: MIDAS well (as in King Midas)
My Interpretation: This one also made zero sense to me. The only MIDAS I knew was King Midas. I also knew the story of King Midas.
Actually NO, I think I remember the story, but I always seem to combine it with parts of Aladdin, leading to my own, incorrect version of King Midas.
Without further ado, MY VERSION of King Midas:
There once was a King named Midas. He lived somewhere with waterfalls and rocks and tropical leaves. There isn't a reason for his residency in the stone temple in the Amazon. It's just whenever I think of King Midas, this setting comes to mind.
One day King Midas was walking in his tropical land. He came across a MAGIC LAMP. Clearly, this is the part where I mix up the story with Aladdin.
The King rubbed the magic lamp. Magic, sparkling, colorful smoke surrounded the King. From the smoke emerged a genie. The genie said, "you have rubbed the magic lamp, For that I grant you 3 wishes" Because that is the amount of wishes genies give to people. I'm not sure why, but it's always 3.
The King thought and made a wish. It doesn't matter what he wished for. It's only the third wish the matters. The king then made another wish. Again, no one cares what he wished for because that's wish number 2. For his FINAL wish, King Midas said, "I wish everything I touched turned to gold because I love GOLD!"
OH! I forgot to tell you. King Midas was a greedy king. Being greedy is bad, so he was also a bad king. And he had a son.
I am not the best at retelling classic stories.
The genie granted the King's wish. The King's hands lit up as the magic entered through his finger tips. Once his hands ceased illuminating, he ran over to a rock, maybe it was made of granite, and touched it. Instantly, the rock turned to shimmering gold!
"THIS IS AMAZING!" shouted the King as he ran around touching random tropical items, like banana leaves. I like banana leaves.
The genie and his magic lamp disappeared. The King ran back to his castle, again, I imagine a stone temple-esque thing, waving his hands in the air, ecstatic with his new ability.
For some reason, he passed a wooden swing-set. "I will turn you to gold" shouted the King in glee. He placed a single finger on the seat of the swing-set. The spot where his finger touched turned gold instantly. The gold spread through the set overtaking the wood until standing before King Midas was a solid gold swing-set. I also imagine cool sound effects happening whenever he turns stuff to gold.
The King, thrilled that his power remained, rushed back to the castle.
When he arrived, the King ordered everyone to the Grand Hall for a demonstration. Sevants, cooks, guards, and the entire castle staff crowded around the King's royal throne.
"Watch what happens when I sit on my throne" he announced, trying to restrain the excitement in his voice.
The King slowly lowered himself into his throne. As soon as he made contact, the throne, like the swing-set and banana leaf, turned to solid gold.
Gasps and came from the crowd. The King laughed as a roar of thunderous applause filled the Grand Hall. The King spent the rest of the day turning trinkets into gold much to the delight of his audience.
The King demanded a feast to celebrate his new power. Cooks and servants worked feverishly to create such a feast. The servants filled Grand Hall with tables covered by the finest linens in the land, gold platters covered with exotic fruits, juicy roasts, and sweet breads to the King's liking.
Once everything was in place, the King walked the Hall, examining the delicacies set before him. "Very good," he said as he eyed the roast. Next to the roast sat a strand of green grapes. The King felt his stomach rumble. To ease the pain, the King plucked a green grape, tossed it in the air, with the intention of catching it in his mouth.
Unfortunately, the King forgot his ability turned EVERYTHING he touched to gold. He had not seen the grape morph into a solid gold sphere. For if he had, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to swallow it.
The solid gold grape flew in the air. The King positioned himself directly under it, mouth wide open. By the time the King realized the grape was no longer edible, it was too late. The sphere lodged itself in his throat. He choked on it and died.
THE END
Again, that's not how the actual story ended, but that's how I completed mine.
SO when people something along the lines of, "MIDAS well go to the grocery store" I reasoned that they were explaining that King Midas would go to the grocery store, therefore we should go to the grocery store because we will get gold. I NEVER was given gold, so I determined that phrase to be a lie.
And FINALLY,
The Star Spangled Banner - alright, this one is a bit different. I know every word of the Star Spangled Banner, thank you years of chorus. However, growing up in Maryland, I learned that the "OH!" portion of the song was to be screamed at the top of your lungs.
Now, I was under the impression that EVERYONE in the U.S. screamed the "OH!" as some sort of "Hooray, we've made it this far through the song. We're almost finished with this awkward part of our lives!"
That, however, is not the case. As a freshman in college, I headed to Virginia Tech's Lane Stadium to witness my first college football game. Before the game, the Corp of Cadets marched on the field, proudly displaying the U.S. flag. Everyone in the stadium rose as we sang along to the Star Spangled Banner.
What I Heard: Taking someone for GRANITE (a type of rock)
That's granite. It's clearly NOT a person.
My Interpretation: This one never made sense to me. I spent the first 14 years of my life befuddled by this phrase. I KNEW granite was a type of rock. What type of people were made out of rocks? Why would I ever think someone was a rock?
I remember my dad using this phrase when my sisters and I were acting selfishly, not appreciating my mom. My dad would tell announce, "Stop taking your mother for granted." Of course, I heard, "Stop taking your mother for granite."
From my dad's tone, I always knew this was a bad thing. But WHY?
10 Year Old Me Thoughts: I'm NOT taking mom for granite. Mom isn't made of granite. I know that. Why would I even think she was made of rocks? I'm not taking her to the store to buy granite. Why does Dad think I am confused about what Mom is made out of? That is a silly phrase.
Due to the years of confusion, whenever I do say "take something for granted" I emphasize the "T" sound followed by the "-ED" sound I make it VERY CLEAR for all similarly confused children that the word is "granted" not "granite."
You're welcome tiny and confused children.
You're welcome tiny and confused children.
3. The Phrase: Might as well
Meaning: There isn't any reason for you not do to it
What I Heard: MIDAS well (as in King Midas)
My Interpretation: This one also made zero sense to me. The only MIDAS I knew was King Midas. I also knew the story of King Midas.
Actually NO, I think I remember the story, but I always seem to combine it with parts of Aladdin, leading to my own, incorrect version of King Midas.
Without further ado, MY VERSION of King Midas:
There once was a King named Midas. He lived somewhere with waterfalls and rocks and tropical leaves. There isn't a reason for his residency in the stone temple in the Amazon. It's just whenever I think of King Midas, this setting comes to mind.
One day King Midas was walking in his tropical land. He came across a MAGIC LAMP. Clearly, this is the part where I mix up the story with Aladdin.
The King rubbed the magic lamp. Magic, sparkling, colorful smoke surrounded the King. From the smoke emerged a genie. The genie said, "you have rubbed the magic lamp, For that I grant you 3 wishes" Because that is the amount of wishes genies give to people. I'm not sure why, but it's always 3.
The King thought and made a wish. It doesn't matter what he wished for. It's only the third wish the matters. The king then made another wish. Again, no one cares what he wished for because that's wish number 2. For his FINAL wish, King Midas said, "I wish everything I touched turned to gold because I love GOLD!"
OH! I forgot to tell you. King Midas was a greedy king. Being greedy is bad, so he was also a bad king. And he had a son.
I am not the best at retelling classic stories.
The genie granted the King's wish. The King's hands lit up as the magic entered through his finger tips. Once his hands ceased illuminating, he ran over to a rock, maybe it was made of granite, and touched it. Instantly, the rock turned to shimmering gold!
"THIS IS AMAZING!" shouted the King as he ran around touching random tropical items, like banana leaves. I like banana leaves.
The genie and his magic lamp disappeared. The King ran back to his castle, again, I imagine a stone temple-esque thing, waving his hands in the air, ecstatic with his new ability.
For some reason, he passed a wooden swing-set. "I will turn you to gold" shouted the King in glee. He placed a single finger on the seat of the swing-set. The spot where his finger touched turned gold instantly. The gold spread through the set overtaking the wood until standing before King Midas was a solid gold swing-set. I also imagine cool sound effects happening whenever he turns stuff to gold.
The King, thrilled that his power remained, rushed back to the castle.
When he arrived, the King ordered everyone to the Grand Hall for a demonstration. Sevants, cooks, guards, and the entire castle staff crowded around the King's royal throne.
"Watch what happens when I sit on my throne" he announced, trying to restrain the excitement in his voice.
The King slowly lowered himself into his throne. As soon as he made contact, the throne, like the swing-set and banana leaf, turned to solid gold.
Gasps and came from the crowd. The King laughed as a roar of thunderous applause filled the Grand Hall. The King spent the rest of the day turning trinkets into gold much to the delight of his audience.
The King demanded a feast to celebrate his new power. Cooks and servants worked feverishly to create such a feast. The servants filled Grand Hall with tables covered by the finest linens in the land, gold platters covered with exotic fruits, juicy roasts, and sweet breads to the King's liking.
Once everything was in place, the King walked the Hall, examining the delicacies set before him. "Very good," he said as he eyed the roast. Next to the roast sat a strand of green grapes. The King felt his stomach rumble. To ease the pain, the King plucked a green grape, tossed it in the air, with the intention of catching it in his mouth.
Unfortunately, the King forgot his ability turned EVERYTHING he touched to gold. He had not seen the grape morph into a solid gold sphere. For if he had, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to swallow it.
The solid gold grape flew in the air. The King positioned himself directly under it, mouth wide open. By the time the King realized the grape was no longer edible, it was too late. The sphere lodged itself in his throat. He choked on it and died.
THE END
Again, that's not how the actual story ended, but that's how I completed mine.
SO when people something along the lines of, "MIDAS well go to the grocery store" I reasoned that they were explaining that King Midas would go to the grocery store, therefore we should go to the grocery store because we will get gold. I NEVER was given gold, so I determined that phrase to be a lie.
I really want a bunch of solid gold bars to stack into a pyramid.
And FINALLY,
The Star Spangled Banner - alright, this one is a bit different. I know every word of the Star Spangled Banner, thank you years of chorus. However, growing up in Maryland, I learned that the "OH!" portion of the song was to be screamed at the top of your lungs.
Now, I was under the impression that EVERYONE in the U.S. screamed the "OH!" as some sort of "Hooray, we've made it this far through the song. We're almost finished with this awkward part of our lives!"
That, however, is not the case. As a freshman in college, I headed to Virginia Tech's Lane Stadium to witness my first college football game. Before the game, the Corp of Cadets marched on the field, proudly displaying the U.S. flag. Everyone in the stadium rose as we sang along to the Star Spangled Banner.
And by sang along, I mean murmured because that is what you do when singing the national anthem. We murmur it under our breaths, rocking back and forth in anticipation for the game.
"OH!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. As I did, dozens of people turned to look at me in disgust.
It was only then that I realized I was the only one in the section that had screamed. Wait. Why was I the only one to scream?
Seeing my puzzled expression, an acquaintance took me aside to explain that in Maryland, we scream "O" because of the Orioles, our baseball team. Since our team is nicknamed "The O's" we call out "O" in their support. Additionally, people NOT from Maryland think it is really RUDE to do during the Star Spangled Banner.
What the people NOT from Maryland don't know is that ANY time the Star Spangled Banner is sung in any form in Maryland, we shout "OH!"
Singing it in school? Shout "OH!" Singing it at a sports game? Shout "OH!" Practicing it in chorus? Shout "OH!"
Those are the only times you sing it. So it makes sense that I assumed it was always to be shouted. No one ever sat me down as a child and explained differently. Therefore, I am here for you, CHILDREN OF MARYLAND to let you know, when singing the Star Spangled Banner in another state, do NOT shout "OH!" It's rude.
CHILDREN OF MARYLAND, reserve the "OH!" for Orioles' baseball games and Ravens' football games as I do. But don't fret, because you better believe that when I do have the chance to shout "OH", I do so at the top of my lungs.
Point of the Story: Sayings are much more fun when you hear them wrong. Plus, "giving someone an old tomato" is too good. It SHOULD be a saying.
Also, my versions of classic stories are AMAZING.
"OH!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. As I did, dozens of people turned to look at me in disgust.
It was only then that I realized I was the only one in the section that had screamed. Wait. Why was I the only one to scream?
Seeing my puzzled expression, an acquaintance took me aside to explain that in Maryland, we scream "O" because of the Orioles, our baseball team. Since our team is nicknamed "The O's" we call out "O" in their support. Additionally, people NOT from Maryland think it is really RUDE to do during the Star Spangled Banner.
What the people NOT from Maryland don't know is that ANY time the Star Spangled Banner is sung in any form in Maryland, we shout "OH!"
Singing it in school? Shout "OH!" Singing it at a sports game? Shout "OH!" Practicing it in chorus? Shout "OH!"
Those are the only times you sing it. So it makes sense that I assumed it was always to be shouted. No one ever sat me down as a child and explained differently. Therefore, I am here for you, CHILDREN OF MARYLAND to let you know, when singing the Star Spangled Banner in another state, do NOT shout "OH!" It's rude.
The Oriole's O
CHILDREN OF MARYLAND, reserve the "OH!" for Orioles' baseball games and Ravens' football games as I do. But don't fret, because you better believe that when I do have the chance to shout "OH", I do so at the top of my lungs.
Point of the Story: Sayings are much more fun when you hear them wrong. Plus, "giving someone an old tomato" is too good. It SHOULD be a saying.
Also, my versions of classic stories are AMAZING.
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