Summer Adventures - The Tree

In June, Lila and I were walking through the woods. We approached a newly fallen tree. In that moment, I thought, “I could chop that in half.” Yes, I had once again inadvertently challenged myself to a seemingly pointless endeavor.

I needed to procure an ax. Home Depot seemed like a great place for that.

I drove to Home Depot excited for my axe purchase. I entered Home Depot with big eyes, looking for a sign to point me towards axes. I walked around and inadvertently walked right past the axes. After completing a full lap around the store, I resigned to the fact that I was completely unaware as to which grouping axes belonged. An ax didn't fit in Gardening, Power Tools, Paint although I did spend some time just looking at all of the different paint chips for no other reason besides, “oohh pretty colors.” Nor did an ax fit into Lighting and Ceiling Fans, Flooring, Kitchen and Bath, Cleaning Supplies, Lumber and Building Materials, and Hardware.

I found a man in a bright orange apron and he pointed me to the very left end of the store. I walked over to the aisle and found that axes come in many different sizes and styles. If you go to HomeDepot.com and type axe in the search bar, over 50 different types of axes will appear along with this guy --

That’s right, because I go to Home Depot solely for their garden statues of anthropomorphic amphibians with a passion for fighting fires.  

Slightly overwhelmed, I picked up an ax and read the attached tag. It’s Rock Forge Premium Log Splitter with Fiberglass Handle. Clearly this ax is for PREMIUM logs. I imagine logs from only the finest of trees being split by this fiberglass handled beauty. Trees are just really big logs. However, I think they mean firewood. This tree is definitely bigger than your average firewood log. Let’s move on. I am holding the ax as two men walk past me, no, they didn’t just casually walk past me, let’s discuss what they did.

At first, the two men were far down the aisle, carrying on a normal conversation. They headed my way, unaware of me. But, as they came closer, the sight they witnessed boggled their minds. I imagine their thoughts were along the lines of: “What is a 25 year old woman in stylish navy pants, paired with a green, blue, white, and purple floral print tank top covered by a deep purple cardigan, with sensible silver metallic flats, doing with an ax? Why does she look so intense? What is she going to do?” Their walk slowed as their conversation came to a stand-still. I could feel their heavy stares and endless internal questions burning a hole through my back. I looked up and smiled brightly, making direct eye contact. I can’t even begin to imagine the awkwardness the men felt as we silently smiled at one another. After a solid 5 seconds of smiling, the men snapped back to life and continued down the aisle. 

Number of people concerned with my possession of an ax: 2. 

I put down the PREMIUM log splitter and picked up the Ludell 4lb. Log Splitter with 34 in. INDESTRUCTIBLE Fiberglass Handle. Ooooh, INDESTRUCTIBLE you say? I knew I needed something other than a log splitter, but the promise of indestructible was very tempting. To know that no matter what I did, I wasn't going to manage to destroy the ax brought me comfort. However, I knew I couldn't buy it. A log splitter wasn't up to the task of chopping the tree in half.

I ultimately went with a single-bit ax with a fiberglass handle that weighed 5.26 lbs. I could easily swing the ax and the grip was comfortable. I had my ax.

As I made my way to the check-out counter, I remembered that Joey and I were running low on bathroom cleaner. I have been very successful with a bleach foam cleaner and went and grabbed it in the cleaning section of Home Depot.

Right before arriving at the checkout counter, I noticed duct tape. Joey had just mentioned that he needed duct tape. I grabbed a roll and placed my three items on the belt. As I stood there, looking at my items, duct tape, an ax, and bleach foam cleaner. Oh no. I look like Dexter.

I needed to grab another item, but it was too late. I watched as the checkout woman’s face turned pale as she put the pieces together in her head. She looked at me carefully, trying to memorize my every detail as she believed I would most likely end up on the nightly news in handcuffs. She would be a witness, her eye-witness account would be crucial.

I knew what she was thinking and part of me wanted to explain that the three items I purchased were not linked, nor was I planning on causing any harm to anyone. However, I decided it was better to say nothing. I’m sure it livened up her day. Plus, now she had a great story to share with her other cash register counterparts.

Number of people concerned about my possession of an ax: 3.

I checked out and loaded up the items in my car. I returned home, unloaded the items, and turned around with my axe in tow. I brought Lila with me into the woods. She was thrilled as the woods is one of her most favorite places. It has smells, animals, sticks, mud, and animal poop. Oh yes, the woods is a wonderland for Lila.

Lila is a naturally timid dog. She disliked the ax from first sight. I let her sniff it, but she had already decided she didn’t like it. This kept Lila a safe distance away from me whilst I chopped the tree. She instead found puddles filled with frogs. Lila LOVES frogs. She loves that they hop. If she sees a frog that isn't hopping, she will take her nose, put it under the frog’s bottom, and quickly lift her nose up, sending the frog through the air. Essentially, she forces the frog to hop. Poor frogs.

While Lila focused on her new froggy friends, I approached the tree. I surveyed it from all angles, and concluded that yes, this was, in fact, a tree. Seriously, what was I looking for? Maybe I was looking to see if an animal had made a home there or where to start chopping.

I took a solid stance, planting my feet firmly in the ground and swung the axe with all of my might. Pieces of bark went flying through the air. I liked this. I continued until I was out of breath, heart racing, sweat dripping down my face. I inhaled deeply, looked around for Lila who was surveying a ground hog hole. I wiped off the sweat, and continued. My mind had the chance to wander as the metal penetrated the log. An hour passed. My hands were raw, blisters formed and I decided to call it a day.

I called for Lila, who had now ventured partially INTO the groundhog hole. All I could see was her tail sticking out, furiously wagging. I shook my head, knowing the groundhogs had many exits out of their homes and were most likely in a completely different area of the woods. I once again called Lila’s name. She wiggled herself out of the hole. Covered in dirt, Lila walked over to me, proud of the day’s excursion. Her tongue hung out and the corners of her mouth turned up gave the impression of her smiling. Lila was having a fantastic day.

We walked out of the woods towards the apartment parking lot. Knowing that I didn't have a suitable place in the apartment for the ax, I instead put it in my car’s trunk.

I examined my throbbing, blistered hands. If I was going to chop this tree again, which I most definitely was, I would have to get gloves. While showering that evening, one of the blisters popped open. I bandaged the open wound and realized that I must limit tree chopping to once every few days.

Lila and I continued our tree chopping adventures once every few days for seven weeks. At one point, after a chopping session, I emerged from the woods, only to be greeted by an older resident of the apartment complex.

“I’ve been watching you for a while now” he said.

Number of people concerned by my possession of an axe and my actions: 5 (Joey also mentioned his concern over my new hobby.)

“Have you?” I asked, slighty perturbed  by his bold revelation.

“Why?”

“I beg your pardon?” Had this man just responded to my question by ignoring it and instead asking a different question? 

“Why are you chopping that tree? You aren't clearing the path for the ATVs, are you? They are so loud. They are such a nuisance.”

“Oh, no, I’m just chopping the tree in half.”

“Oh.” The man turned away, confused by the answer given.

Great, I had now secured the role of “The Crazy Resident.” This man would undoubtedly tell all of his neighbors about his bizarre encounters with me. The Crazy Resident is the one who walks down the halls and people lock their doors, whispers follow the resident, people go out of their way to avoid this person. I really didn’t want to be this resident. Yet, my goal remained unfulfilled. I would continue chopping the tree in half.

One night, while out walking Lila, I ran into some neighborhood friends. 

"What have you been up to during summer break?" asked one of them. 

I paused, deciding whether or not I should inform them of my hobby. For some reason, the majority of people saw my hobby as odd or unusual. Being one to indulge all details of my life to others, I decided to share my actions. 

"I've been chopping up a fallen tree in the woods." 

"No, you haven't."

"I have. Want to go see it?"

"Yes."

They followed me into the woods and I showed them my tree. 

"Rachel, this is impressive." 

"Thank you. I still have a lot to do."

We walked back from the woods. As we passed my car, I pointed to my trunk, that's where I keep my ax. I opened my trunk and showed it to my neighbors.

"Wait," one said as I pulled the ax out of my car. "Your ax is unsheathed?" 

"I don't have a cover. I don't know where to get a cover, so yeah, I leave it unsheathed."

"Do you know how sketchy that looks?"

Number of people concerned with my possession of an ax: 7 (my two neighbors).

That evening, I took a picture of my tree progress and text it to my mom and sisters. I immediately received three phone calls, one from my mom, and one from each of my sisters, which took the total of Number of people concerned with my possession of an ax: 10.

My mom at first tried to talk me of my new activity, but ultimately accepted it as another one of my many quirks. I promised her to only chop the tree when wearing: a. gloves b. back brace c. sneakers d. sunscreen e. a t-shirt. This would ensure I didn't get severely sun-burned or throw out my back. 

I continued chopping up the tree while meeting all of my mom's constraints. When I finally reached the center of the tree and split it into two giant logs resulting in:

I did it! Also, there's Lila

The tree had a 60 in circumference. (Props to Bridget for finding my mistake as I originally wrote it was a 60 in diameter. Nope! Definitely not that big.) I took this picture while standing on top of the tree.

Point of the Story: I love accomplishing different things every summer. The summer previous to this, I went white water rafting once a week. The year before, I hiked Machu Picchu.  So in comparison, this may seem smaller, I'm still really proud. ALSO, I still have all of my limbs! My mom is very proud of the fact that I managed to accomplish this without injury.